Depression is a horrible thing, it creeps up on you and grabs you without giving you time to think. I knew I hadn't been happy for a while, but today I realised that this horrible thing has me in it's grip again and I just don't have the strength to fight it off. I took the dog out for a walk this evening, to clear my head and think things over, but all I ended up doing was sitting on a bench crying. My head is thumping, my body wants to just shut down and I feel so very tired.
You know what the worst thing is? Its the fact that I know I have this, but just can't summon the energy to fight it, what's the point anyway?
One word is all it takes to tip someone over the edge.
The little bit of self confidence that I managed to build up has been shot down in flames at work today, thanks to some thoughtless bastard who probably just thought he was having a laugh. The thing is, it's only ever a laugh if it doesn't cause pain to anyone. He will never know how much he hurt me, he has known my family for years, he has known me for years and yet he still hurt me, a real stabbing hurt that shattered every part of me. I can't even think about it without crying, there is no way I could mention it to anyone a work, even to lodge a formal complaint, I would just end up getting so over emotional about it again and I really haven't got the strength to be like that now.
I will just drag myself out of bed tomorrow and go to work, make out I am o.k and hope the day goes quickly, so I can get home and stop thinking and just switch off till the next day. That is the only way I can cope when it hits me like this, I pretend, I am good at pretending, I have learnt that pretending is better than facing the shit that goes with depression. I smile, I say I am fine when people ask me how I am, but if they just looked into my eyes surely they would see the intense pain i am feeling inside, this pain that eats away at my self esteem, my self confidence, my happiness, my soul and my mind.